My friend thinks he’s smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

Ruth rode on my cycle car and sat in back of me – I hit a bump at 95 and rode on Ruth-lessly – Steve Allen (1963)

Are you my appendix, ’cause I feel I should take you out. If you were a fruit, you’d be a fine-apple. My love for you is like gas, I just can’t hold it in. Do you have a band-aid?, ’cause … Continue reading →

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home! Sheriff: Height? Husband: I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall. Sheriff: Weight? Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat. Sheriff: Color of eyes? Husband: … Continue reading →

Of all sad words of prose and pen, the saddest are “Damn, fucked again.”

(On making a chocolate cake) Good Moms will let you lick the beaters, but Great Moms will turn them off first.

Debbie had an eye for detail – while her other eye would just wander aimlessly about…

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

A young man goes to visit his Grampa and, after a few hours, they have dinner. That’s when he notices that the plates have specks of left-over food on them. So he says “Grampa, your dishes are dirty”, to which … Continue reading →

I’ll never forget the last thing my Grandfather said to me – “Hey, are you still holding the fucking ladder?”